I wrote this song in response to the rhetoric of our age that attempts to divide us. It is a pretty simple with some lyrics that have a lot a meaning to me. I am looking for some really honest feedback on this tune so feel free to give me any ideas or thoughts you have on it. I will post the lyrics below so you can view them while it plays.
Thanks, Bud
Lyrics,
Chasm cc
Verse 1
I see a dark horizon
Rising on this land
A spirit of deception
In the heart of the mass
Where hate is the ruler
And it’s subject is the weak
Flaming an inferno
Of lies and deceit
Chorus
Divide me and conquer
You’re swallowing the hook
As the barbs anchor deeply
While your dying in the brook
As you freedom is cast out
And in its place
Is Mindless propaganda
Creating your self hate
For freedom be free
Cause its well worth the cost
Let love conquer your malice
Before your sanity is lost
Verse 2
We are told we are so different
To justify the spite
Making a chasm
Over which we can fight
Hurling our javelins
With self-righteous intent
We pierce our fellows
Like the minions who were sent
The powers that lie
They well they squeal, squeal in glee
As our hurts and wounds
Cause each other to flee
BUSKING AN ORIGINAL SONG CALLED CHASM
Hi Buddy, it looks promising. The chord progression and the bass line is good. I feel it would bring some variation if there was a bridge. Also the verse are a little long with the same chord progression, maybe break it a bit by adding a higher pitch chord somewhere, (sorry I suck at theory for the proper suggestion).
Marc
Marc
In general I think your lyrics work well. A couple suggestions with the lyrics:
The lines: "Making a chasm" and "Hurling our javelins" seemed awkward to me when you sang "a" and "our" as two syllable words. Maybe try something like "Making a deep chasm" or "Making a dark chasm" and "Hurling our sharp javelins" or "Hurling pointed javelins".
And the chorus confuses me a little:
Divide me and conquer
You're swallowing the hook
As the barbs anchors deeply
While you're dying in the brook
I'm not sure who the "me" is here. Why are "they" dividing "you"? I think what you are trying to convey here is that people are getting manipulated/brainwashed ("you're swallowing the hook") and that the brainwashing is dividing the population. I think if you simply remove the "me" and just sing "Divide and conquer" your meaning will be clear.
Musically the chord progression is dark. It fits the tone of the lyrics. But like Marc said, I think the song would play better if you changed the chords in the chorus. Maybe something as simple as changing the order of the chords would do it. Or change the voicing of the chords?
The lines: "Making a chasm" and "Hurling our javelins" seemed awkward to me when you sang "a" and "our" as two syllable words. Maybe try something like "Making a deep chasm" or "Making a dark chasm" and "Hurling our sharp javelins" or "Hurling pointed javelins".
And the chorus confuses me a little:
Divide me and conquer
You're swallowing the hook
As the barbs anchors deeply
While you're dying in the brook
I'm not sure who the "me" is here. Why are "they" dividing "you"? I think what you are trying to convey here is that people are getting manipulated/brainwashed ("you're swallowing the hook") and that the brainwashing is dividing the population. I think if you simply remove the "me" and just sing "Divide and conquer" your meaning will be clear.
Musically the chord progression is dark. It fits the tone of the lyrics. But like Marc said, I think the song would play better if you changed the chords in the chorus. Maybe something as simple as changing the order of the chords would do it. Or change the voicing of the chords?
Buddy, I really liked this!! 
You have some real interesting imagery going on with the lyrics. Obviously it is quite original, but to play the: "It sort of reminds me of so-and-so s game for a moment...i would have to say it 'lyrically" reminds me of Division Bell- era Floyd...in my mind that is a compliment.
When I get some more time I would love to listen it some more...and maybe offer up a little more humble reaction for ya; when I can make a more informed opinion that is...but i sure I am liking what I heard thus far! Way to go!!
Cori
You have some real interesting imagery going on with the lyrics. Obviously it is quite original, but to play the: "It sort of reminds me of so-and-so s game for a moment...i would have to say it 'lyrically" reminds me of Division Bell- era Floyd...in my mind that is a compliment.
When I get some more time I would love to listen it some more...and maybe offer up a little more humble reaction for ya; when I can make a more informed opinion that is...but i sure I am liking what I heard thus far! Way to go!!
Cori
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neverfoundthetime
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Hi Buddy. Serious stuff indeed. And I get where you are coming from 100%. Your voice is great for this kind of song.
I agree the music fits the theme of the song, maybe some strumming to break-up the picking could add some drive?
You could also try being more indirect with your lyrics, slanting and hinting at your message. It's interesting that, although I live in another country 8000 miles away, I get exactly what you are on about. So there is much there which gets a message across.
I agree the music fits the theme of the song, maybe some strumming to break-up the picking could add some drive?
I agree with Daryl here. You could also write: "Divide and conquer me"I think if you simply remove the "me" and just sing "Divide and conquer" your meaning will be clear.
You could also try being more indirect with your lyrics, slanting and hinting at your message. It's interesting that, although I live in another country 8000 miles away, I get exactly what you are on about. So there is much there which gets a message across.
daryl wrote:
Thanks much Daryl for taking the time to give such great input.
Bud
This is really helpful and I will integrate it into the next version.In general I think your lyrics work well. A couple suggestions with the lyrics:
The lines: "Making a chasm" and "Hurling our javelins" seemed awkward to me when you sang "a" and "our" as two syllable words. Maybe try something like "Making a deep chasm" or "Making a dark chasm" and "Hurling our sharp javelins" or "Hurling pointed javelins".
Thanks Daryl as this helps me a lot.
And the chorus confuses me a little:
Divide me and conquer
You're swallowing the hook
As the barbs anchors deeply
While you're dying in the brook
I'm not sure who the "me" is here. Why are "they" dividing "you"? I think what you are trying to convey here is that people are getting manipulated/brainwashed ("you're swallowing the hook") and that the brainwashing is dividing the population. I think if you simply remove the "me" and just sing "Divide and conquer" your meaning will be clear.
I am trying convey a double meaning here that dividing people harms both the divided and the divider so it is meant to be a little vague and thought provoking.
Musically the chord progression is dark. It fits the tone of the lyrics. But like Marc said, I think the song would play better if you changed the chords in the chorus. Maybe something as simple as changing the order of the chords would do it. Or change the voicing of the chords?
Thanks much Daryl for taking the time to give such great input.
Bud
Buddy,
Very nice! Subject matter has so many (scary) truisms running through it for me as I listened. I think about this subject a lot these days actually. The song arrangement seems to me to perhaps lend itself to the style of starting very softly with a single instrument and slowly building to a layered crescendo along the way (perhaps even building to an ultimate climax that completely and abruptly stops - hence reaching an impassible chasm) and then fading back to a softer ending. Maybe that's just me
Scott
Very nice! Subject matter has so many (scary) truisms running through it for me as I listened. I think about this subject a lot these days actually. The song arrangement seems to me to perhaps lend itself to the style of starting very softly with a single instrument and slowly building to a layered crescendo along the way (perhaps even building to an ultimate climax that completely and abruptly stops - hence reaching an impassible chasm) and then fading back to a softer ending. Maybe that's just me
Scott