Forum

I wrote this song in response to the rhetoric of our age that attempts to divide us. It is a pretty simple with some lyrics that have a lot a meaning to me. I am looking for some really honest feedback on this tune so feel free to give me any ideas or thoughts you have on it. I will post the lyrics below so you can view them while it plays.

Thanks, Bud




Lyrics,

Chasm cc

Verse 1
I see a dark horizon

Rising on this land

A spirit of deception

In the heart of the mass

Where hate is the ruler

And it’s subject is the weak

Flaming an inferno

Of lies and deceit

Chorus
Divide me and conquer

You’re swallowing the hook

As the barbs anchor deeply

While your dying in the brook


As you freedom is cast out

And in its place

Is Mindless propaganda

Creating your self hate


For freedom be free

Cause its well worth the cost

Let love conquer your malice

Before your sanity is lost

Verse 2

We are told we are so different

To justify the spite

Making a chasm

Over which we can fight


Hurling our javelins

With self-righteous intent

We pierce our fellows

Like the minions who were sent


The powers that lie

They well they squeal, squeal in glee

As our hurts and wounds

Cause each other to flee

Hi Buddy, it looks promising. The chord progression and the bass line is good. I feel it would bring some variation if there was a bridge. Also the verse are a little long with the same chord progression, maybe break it a bit by adding a higher pitch chord somewhere, (sorry I suck at theory for the proper suggestion).

Marc

In general I think your lyrics work well. A couple suggestions with the lyrics:

The lines: "Making a chasm" and "Hurling our javelins" seemed awkward to me when you sang "a" and "our" as two syllable words. Maybe try something like "Making a deep chasm" or "Making a dark chasm" and "Hurling our sharp javelins" or "Hurling pointed javelins".

And the chorus confuses me a little:

Divide me and conquer
You're swallowing the hook
As the barbs anchors deeply
While you're dying in the brook

I'm not sure who the "me" is here. Why are "they" dividing "you"? I think what you are trying to convey here is that people are getting manipulated/brainwashed ("you're swallowing the hook") and that the brainwashing is dividing the population. I think if you simply remove the "me" and just sing "Divide and conquer" your meaning will be clear.

Musically the chord progression is dark. It fits the tone of the lyrics. But like Marc said, I think the song would play better if you changed the chords in the chorus. Maybe something as simple as changing the order of the chords would do it. Or change the voicing of the chords?

Buddy, I really liked this!!

You have some real interesting imagery going on with the lyrics. Obviously it is quite original, but to play the: "It sort of reminds me of so-and-so s game for a moment...i would have to say it 'lyrically" reminds me of Division Bell- era Floyd...in my mind that is a compliment.

When I get some more time I would love to listen it some more...and maybe offer up a little more humble reaction for ya; when I can make a more informed opinion that is...but i sure I am liking what I heard thus far! Way to go!!

Cori

Hi Buddy. Serious stuff indeed. And I get where you are coming from 100%. Your voice is great for this kind of song.
I agree the music fits the theme of the song, maybe some strumming to break-up the picking could add some drive?

I think if you simply remove the "me" and just sing "Divide and conquer" your meaning will be clear.

I agree with Daryl here. You could also write: "Divide and conquer me"

You could also try being more indirect with your lyrics, slanting and hinting at your message. It's interesting that, although I live in another country 8000 miles away, I get exactly what you are on about. So there is much there which gets a message across.

Marc, Thanks much for the suggestions on this as they very helpful.

Bud

daryl wrote:

In general I think your lyrics work well. A couple suggestions with the lyrics:

The lines: "Making a chasm" and "Hurling our javelins" seemed awkward to me when you sang "a" and "our" as two syllable words. Maybe try something like "Making a deep chasm" or "Making a dark chasm" and "Hurling our sharp javelins" or "Hurling pointed javelins".

Thanks Daryl as this helps me a lot.

And the chorus confuses me a little:

Divide me and conquer
You're swallowing the hook
As the barbs anchors deeply
While you're dying in the brook

I'm not sure who the "me" is here. Why are "they" dividing "you"? I think what you are trying to convey here is that people are getting manipulated/brainwashed ("you're swallowing the hook") and that the brainwashing is dividing the population. I think if you simply remove the "me" and just sing "Divide and conquer" your meaning will be clear.

I am trying convey a double meaning here that dividing people harms both the divided and the divider so it is meant to be a little vague and thought provoking.


Musically the chord progression is dark. It fits the tone of the lyrics. But like Marc said, I think the song would play better if you changed the chords in the chorus. Maybe something as simple as changing the order of the chords would do it. Or change the voicing of the chords?

This is really helpful and I will integrate it into the next version.

Thanks much Daryl for taking the time to give such great input.

Bud

Cori, Thanks much for listening, I will have a second take up towards the end of the week.

Bud

Chris, I somehow knew you would really get this song Thanks for the input, I am working on a second take integrating these thoughts and I will try to have it up towards the end of the week for more input.

Bud

Buddy,

Very nice! Subject matter has so many (scary) truisms running through it for me as I listened. I think about this subject a lot these days actually. The song arrangement seems to me to perhaps lend itself to the style of starting very softly with a single instrument and slowly building to a layered crescendo along the way (perhaps even building to an ultimate climax that completely and abruptly stops - hence reaching an impassible chasm) and then fading back to a softer ending. Maybe that's just me

Scott