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Here is a new song I am working on and I feel kind of stuck on it. I feel like it needs something but can't grab onto what it is. Any constructive feedback would be really helpful.

Here are the lyrics
LYRICS
Have you ever noticed, when you lift your head
All of those surrounding you, who look down instead
Lifeless, or so it seems, no flame or fire
Do you ever wonder, what stole their desires?

Chorus
What are they waiting for ?
What will make them ignite
What will free their frozen souls
Could it be, a spark of love from your heart

All These hidden treasures, walking side by side
The burdens of their lives, are piled so high
Their diamonds chipped away, their rubies are gone
What will help them sing out, their hidden song

Bridge
So many liars, repeating those old lies
From Mothers and Fathers, making young souls die
Repeating those old lies

Deceived generations, blinded from the truth
Old dark roads they travel, they take the perilous route
Seeking for something knew, but it's just out of reach
What will help them extend their arms, to close up the breach?



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Very nice songwriting effort, Buddy. There's lots of good stuff in there, including some very powerful imagery. Here are three small things that come to mind after one listen:

- The chord you play under the word "ignite" feels discordant.

- I like the "diamonds chipped away" line because it evokes a very strong image; unfortunately, you follow it with "their rubies are gone," a very passive line.

- "Seeking for something new" doesn't really work because you don't seek FOR something ... you seek something. You look FOR something.

Again though, Buddy, these are very small things in an otherwise nice job.

Hey Bud. Writing your own songs is pretty impressive.

To follow up Dennis' keen observations, could I suggest instead of "their rubies are gone", "their dreams are gone". I'm not sure that it addresses the strong v passive issue, but it's a suggestion anyway. Obviously feel free to ignore. If not, a very modest 25% of royalties will be fine.

dennisg wrote:

Very nice songwriting effort, Buddy. There's lots of good stuff in there, including some very powerful imagery. Here are three small things that come to mind after one listen:

- The chord you play under the word "ignite" feels discordant.

- I like the "diamonds chipped away" line because it evokes a very strong image; unfortunately, you follow it with "their rubies are gone," a very passive line.

- "Seeking for something new" doesn't really work because you don't seek FOR something ... you seek something. You look FOR something.

Again though, Buddy, these are very small things in an otherwise nice job.

Dennis, Thanks for taking the time to give me feedback and suggestions on this as it was really helpful.

Bud

tovo wrote:

Hey Bud. Writing your own songs is pretty impressive.

To follow up Dennis' keen observations, could I suggest instead of "their rubies are gone", "their dreams are gone". I'm not sure that it addresses the strong v passive issue, but it's a suggestion anyway. Obviously feel free to ignore. If not, a very modest 25% of royalties will be fine.

Howdy Tony, Thanks for the input. I don't really see any royalties in my future but how about a cold beer if we ever have the pleasure of meeting.

Bud