Bit by the songwriting bug again...

[lueders]

Hi there, Cori here...
I got bit by the songwriting bug again...this is a little folkie country ballad, with minimal accompaniment that my wife and I have been working on.( I apologize in advance for the low tech, blurry picture, & lackluster sound quality those of you who watch my videos, have become accustomed to.)

I am just sort of looking for friendly critique on such things as: thoughts on song structure? more verses less verses? Do I need another section? Overall flow? Is it too redundant overall? How much more instrumentation do you think is needed? Do you find the lyrics trite or alright? general impressions...& stuff like that... Thanks in advance,

I am really trying hard to get better at this...Thanx, CORI
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“Lorelei”

In the deep dark country black
Stood what most would call a shack
Home to a girl cursed by circumstance
Lorelei Baker
Her pa’ a drunken Quaker
But he couldn’t break her like he thought
On the wrong side of the tracks
Where hard livin’ breaks your back
And the mountain claims another Fall
Lorelei Baker
Nary a taker
They couldn’t break her like they thought
Along the banks one winter’s night
Shadows flashed in her lantern’s light
Two drowning boys were saved by Lorelei
Lorelei Baker
Angels did take her
No one could wake her like they thought















[video]http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj-du67Nl8s[/video]

[Lavallee]

Cori,I think you are are doing a great duet with your wife, her voice is great , the lyrics sounds very interesting to me. Really like your interludes . I would love to be able to do something like this . As a suggestion I would think a bit more attention to the picking, keep it a little tighter. Sometimes you come down for 4 frets or so to get a note which is in the same area as where you were and it cuts down a bit on the tempo. But this is because I am looking for something, If I only listen, I really enjoy the whole thing.

Great job the both of you.

Marc

[lueders]

Thanks Marc, it was worth posting already..just from the feedback you gave!
I'll take your suggestion and see if I can cut down on some of the lateral movement and
maybe try and go for a little more economy of motion in that regard. Great suggestion!

As for you saying: "I wish I could do something like that"; What are you kiddin? You'd be
awesome with your chops attention to detail. I want to keep getting better, and get some
better equipment so I can collaborate with folks like you...you know when they get that
new more interactive collaboration deal off and running...
(I'm no webtvdan, but what the hay?) sorry about the backwoods colloquial...

Thanks again, Fella!

[AndyT]

I liked the second interlude. The first came on a bit brusque but was ok till the second one ended and the closing verse (2 & 4) came in. Maybe move the first one between verses 1 & 2 instead? Try that and see how you like it.

Just a short transition between 2 & 3 would be better I think from a structure point of view.

All you need is a banjo and you've got a hit.

Before I watched the video I was expecting something more dark and sinister sounding. You caught me off guard with a more light-hearted approach.

Good job.

[neverfoundthetime]

Hey Cori great ideas you are working on here, love to hear your wife singing with you. I found myself getting into the story you are telling and I'd like to hear more of it. You're phrasing it well and you choice of words is good. Just felsh out the story before the last verse to reel us in a little more before it ends. Great project!

[ffsooo3]

Cori, I think it's great. But I have a problem with the D7 just before going into the verse "On the wrong side of the tracks". You play a nice little lick with the A major to A7 (with the pinky on the 5th fret to the 3rd fret) and I was expecting the A7 to resolve to the D at the start of the verse, but you threw in the D7 (C7 shape on the 3rd fret) before you went to the D in the verse. Also, like Chris said, I'd like to hear a little bit more about Lorelei before she dies.

[AcousticAl]

Cori,

Great work by both you and your wife. Your guitar interludes are GREAT! That's something I'd like to work on. And your wife's singing was AWESOME!! She has such a warm voice. Reminds me of the woman from Original Caste.. think her name was Dixie Lee Stone. (link)

[willem]

Cori and wife,,that was great,,keep on writing,,,,i hope you get some gear...

[tombo1230]

Hi Cori, firstly would like to say great job! You and your wife are a great team. The vocals and guitar playing were excellent, loved the tune. I was a bit suprised at how upbeat the tune was after having read the words first. but it totally worked.
Listening to the song I just felt that the instrumental parts were too long and broke the song up a bit, it slowed it down for me. In my opinion the song would be snappier and more balanced if these were shorter. The second thing was in a story telling context, maybe you know all about the people you are writing /singing about but the audience don't. I would have liked a bit more story, more build up, maybe a little bit more background and maybe some kind of conclusion if possible.

I look forward to hearing your next collaboration as I think this was pretty near the mark,

Well done!

Tom N.

[lueders]

Thanks so much everybody...I took awhile to reply to the replies because I wanted to
soak up all the good input & suggestions.

I 've made a few changes...based on the feedback I got here so thanks a million!
My wife concurs that I killed " Lorelei" off too early so I added a verse and decided
to take out one of the guitar excursions up the neck. Well, anyways it still needs
some polishing and fine tuning...

Willem- Thanks buddy got my eye on a pretty sweet washburn hollow body, and a
mike, and a better web cam & a ga zillion other gadgets I can't afford.

Al-Thanks for the heads up on Original Caste, Krista knew of 'em..I didn't dislike it but
kinda sing- songy...but I see what you mean about the voice. And thanks for the
kind words.

Chris-Thanks for the kind words. I added another verse. I think it is now more
descriptive without spoon feeding. (In other words a little more background but
still leaves room for the enigmatic. ( i just wanted to say enigmatic)

ffsooo3- Based on your posts I am guessing your theoretical knowledge dwarfs
mine..,are u saying (on the first fill) I shouldn't go directly to D7 to Bm?
As for the A7-D7 (second fill) I went to doing this quick slide up to the 7th fret
that resolves to D immediately after the A7 lick...and think it sounds better.
Thanks for listening so intently and helping out.

Andy- Thanks for the kind words & the sound structural advice. I took out one of the
interludes and I think it is better. Maybe a banjo now?

Tom- thank you for the kind words and good advice! Like I said, I added another verse.
I think it helps a little without giving away too much. I hope we can keep
collaborating we're having a blast with this stuff. http://www.totallyguitars.com/images/fb ... orelei.doc