Songwriting/Lyric Challenge (Only Yesterday)

thereshopeyet
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Sun Mar 09, 2014 12:34 pm

Willem Wrote:
Common Dermot,,with your knowledge of music theory you must come up with some music,,try Am..not that I can..!!

I think many dynamics in the melody(soft-hard-cresendos-)etc,,would you strum it or fingerpick?

Willem
Willem, I really don't have any sound in my head.
I do think it would need to be an uncomfortable sound so maybe your right with minor.
My guitar skill need much attention although not a day goes by I don't practice but progress is slow
with respect to my effort.

I think strum what do you think ?


tombo1230
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Sun Mar 09, 2014 12:43 pm

thereshopeyet wrote:
Willem Wrote:
Common Dermot,,with your knowledge of music theory you must come up with some music,,try Am..not that I can..!!

I think many dynamics in the melody(soft-hard-cresendos-)etc,,would you strum it or fingerpick?

Willem
Willem, I really don't have any sound in my head.
I do think it would need to be an uncomfortable sound so maybe your right with minor.
My guitar skill need much attention although not a day goes by I don't practice but progress is slow
with respect to my effort.

I think strum what do you think ?
Strum it first to try and get some kind of rhythm going.

Tom N.


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daryl
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Location: Massachusetts, USA
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 2:02 pm

tombo1230 wrote:
This is a first draft and probably a bit rough and needing a chorus, but here it is:
All thoughts welcome.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet.
Sugar and spice and all things to delight,
the angel of my dreams, a dove without flight. (flyte)

A smile, a passing look, happening by chance.
A sunny beach holiday a shared last dance.
Living and loving, cocktails and passion,
All seems destined and planned to a fashion.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet

Like a line from Bogey 'Here's looking at you.'
You've lifted my heart, replenished and new.
A holiday romance, loves currency to spend,
like all good things must come to an end.

With feet on the ground and bags unpacked,
will this just be a talking point or a matter of fact.
Unfinished business, this story may not end just yet.
Is this the beginning of something or the end with regret?


Tom N.
Granted this isn't your usual way to write lyrics but.....I'd like to ask you some questions anyway.....HOW do you come up with a line? Do you hear a pattern first (e.g. da DA da da da DA DA da") and then fit a line to the pattern? Do you start with a phrase (e.g. "you lifted my heart") and then decide if it's enough for a line? And once you have one line, do you try to match the line's pattern/rhythm in the next line or do you attempt to find a complimenting pattern/rhythm? Do you first decide on a rhyming pattern (e.g. AABB or ABAB or ABBA or XAXA) or do you see how your 1st two lines come out? So many questions.

Anyone else (Michele) care to jump in here with their own answers?

Thanks!


willem
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Sun Mar 09, 2014 2:54 pm

tombo1230 wrote:
daryl wrote:
tombo1230 wrote:
This is a first draft and probably a bit rough and needing a chorus, but here it is:
All thoughts welcome.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet.
Sugar and spice and all things to delight,
the angel of my dreams, a dove without flight. (flyte)

A smile, a passing look, happening by chance.
A sunny beach holiday a shared last dance.
Living and loving, cocktails and passion,
All seems destined and planned to a fashion.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet

Like a line from Bogey 'Here's looking at you.'
You've lifted my heart, replenished and new.
A holiday romance, loves currency to spend,
like all good things must come to an end.

With feet on the ground and bags unpacked,
will this just be a talking point or a matter of fact.
Unfinished business, this story may not end just yet.
Is this the beginning of something or the end with regret?


Tom N.
Tom, I really like this. But was unsure of where it was going. After the first verse, I thought "oh no everything WAS wonderful only yesterday, now what is today going to bring to this poor soul". And then the 2nd verse was just lovely with how the two met and blissfully were living together. The bridge brought back the foreboding feeling. The 3rd verse was still lovely and positive until the last line and I thought, "OK here it comes - here is where things turn". Then in the 4th verse I got confused. Does the first line refer to coming back from the holiday of the 3rd verse and what does the 2nd line mean about "talking points or matter of fact"? What is the unfinished business and why are things ending with regret? Everything in your story really sounded positive. Am I missing something?
Hi Daryl,
it's about a holiday romance that is great while it lasted. When the guy gets home he is unsure about how real it was. With feet on the ground has a double meaning, having landed after his flight and also back to reality, a sort of anti-climax. The third verse is just the end of his vacation and they have to part. The fourth verse is the double meaning and also he is unsure where he stands. It's really just an outline of a story and needs to be longer. The bridge bit is where I need a chorus 'cos that one doesn't fit, so is really a place holder, but the subject is 'only yesterday.' To be honest I wasn't sure where this story was going because it's really not based on anything concrete. As I have said before, I much prefer just writing a song with words and music together. I find this method of writing the words first without music, really sterile. I don't think this works for me, I just don't feel it. :( I probably should have got the guitar out.

Tom N.
Tom I exactly thought that when I was reading your lyricks,,,(the meaning)

Willem


willem
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Sun Mar 09, 2014 2:58 pm

thereshopeyet wrote:
Willem Wrote:
Common Dermot,,with your knowledge of music theory you must come up with some music,,try Am..not that I can..!!

I think many dynamics in the melody(soft-hard-cresendos-)etc,,would you strum it or fingerpick?

Willem
Willem, I really don't have any sound in my head.
I do think it would need to be an uncomfortable sound so maybe your right with minor.
My guitar skill need much attention although not a day goes by I don't practice but progress is slow
with respect to my effort.

I think strum what do you think ?

I really don't know,,maybe both,, parts fingerpicked and parts strummed,,it are heavy and deep lyricks, but you must know them better then me(your language)

try,,please!!!

Willem


takhak
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Sun Mar 09, 2014 3:16 pm

Driving home on friday night
traffic's not too heavy
its raining out , the roads are slick
truck t-bones my Chevy

that is all i can recall , don't ask me for details
lately it's all been a blur
think I'm running off the rails

his body's fixed but his mind's still broke
thats what she heard as the doctor spoke
psychotic break was on the table
they always have to use a label

so take your meds and drink the juice
we cannot have him on the loose
Too early to release this man
direct injections part of the plan

We have the special jackets
you know one size fits all
We also have the padded rooms
they're on the left just down the hall

I watch myself across the room
I'm screaming at the staff
guards are called and they sedate me
'm getting sleepy then I laugh

Doc says he can cure my ill
I don't know if that's true
cause at the institution
population's always 3-0-2

so what's it like to be content
why's it so hard to find
is it really so elusive or
just hiding somewhere in my mind

And what's it like to love your life
feel normal and alive?
I knew it only yesterday
about fifteen minutes before five


willem
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Sun Mar 09, 2014 3:34 pm

Wow Michele,,the drummer kept you going right?

maybe some ah's in it,,screeming AH's ,,lol

No its good already

Willem



michelew wrote:
Well I've had fun with this. It's not pretty. B) or fancy and I'm sure I've broken a bunch of rules. But it was fun.

If I were to add to this I've change a fair few things. For starters I'd replace the root notes bass line with something more interesting, keep singing until it was richer and try to add some interesting guitar lines (maybe get some help on that one). I'm sure someone could advise me on better balance too.

Ahhhh... This isn't the tone I was originally intending, but it started heading in this direction and I just decided to go with it. :) :) ;) Tom I'm not sure you'll want more back story after this. ;)

revised lyrics.


Only yesterday

Only yesterday my heart was blue,
I hadn't even heard of you
But now you've got me dancin' in the street

Only yesterday I moped around
Now my life's turned upside down
And I'm as playful as can be

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Only yesterday my life was small
Now I'm walking ten feet tall
The world's a crazy place to be

Only yesterday my life was gray
And now you've blown that all away
You've sparked a fire inside of me

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Now my heart's been set alight
I'm energised and full of fight
You've rocked me with you alchemy

Only yesterday my heart was blue
And now it's full of love for you
You're one sweet gorgeous symphony
I'm crazy 'bout you can't you see






Daryl, Tom - thanks for the advice.

Dermot - you've got some mighty deep lyrics there.

It's a little late here so I'll comment on the other posts tomorrow.


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daryl
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Location: Massachusetts, USA
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 3:49 pm

takhak wrote:
Driving home on friday night
traffic's not too heavy
its raining out , the roads are slick
truck t-bones my Chevy

that is all i can recall , don't ask me for details
lately it's all been a blur
think I'm running off the rails

his body's fixed but his mind's still broke
thats what she heard as the doctor spoke
psychotic break was on the table
they always have to use a label

so take your meds and drink the juice
we cannot have him on the loose
Too early to release this man
direct injections part of the plan

We have the special jackets
you know one size fits all
We also have the padded rooms
they're on the left just down the hall

I watch myself across the room
I'm screaming at the staff
guards are called and they sedate me
'm getting sleepy then I laugh

Doc says he can cure my ill
I don't know if that's true
cause at the institution
population's always 3-0-2

so what's it like to be content
why's it so hard to find
is it really so elusive or
just hiding somewhere in my mind

And what's it like to love your life
feel normal and alive?
I knew it only yesterday
about fifteen minutes before five
Jim, That was great! As I was reading it I kept wondering, "OK when's he going to spring the "only yesterday" thing. And there it was. Wonderful. Now, my phrasing sucks, and my meter is non-existent, but I would change the last line to be "about fifteen to five". It's a little vague but the metering works better with ".....feel normal and alive......about fifteen to five". Thanks for playing!


takhak
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Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 5:41 pm

Thanks, Daryl. I did try that line several different ways and finally settled on dropping the A off about
and a quick B 4 5. I do like your suggestion much better. The first verse is way too country too.


tombo1230
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Sun Mar 09, 2014 6:05 pm

daryl wrote:
tombo1230 wrote:
This is a first draft and probably a bit rough and needing a chorus, but here it is:
All thoughts welcome.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet.
Sugar and spice and all things to delight,
the angel of my dreams, a dove without flight. (flyte)

A smile, a passing look, happening by chance.
A sunny beach holiday a shared last dance.
Living and loving, cocktails and passion,
All seems destined and planned to a fashion.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet

Like a line from Bogey 'Here's looking at you.'
You've lifted my heart, replenished and new.
A holiday romance, loves currency to spend,
like all good things must come to an end.

With feet on the ground and bags unpacked,
will this just be a talking point or a matter of fact.
Unfinished business, this story may not end just yet.
Is this the beginning of something or the end with regret?


Tom N.
Granted this isn't your usual way to write lyrics but.....I'd like to ask you some questions anyway.....HOW do you come up with a line? Do you hear a pattern first (e.g. da DA da da da DA DA da") and then fit a line to the pattern? Do you start with a phrase (e.g. "you lifted my heart") and then decide if it's enough for a line? And once you have one line, do you try to match the line's pattern/rhythm in the next line or do you attempt to find a complimenting pattern/rhythm? Do you first decide on a rhyming pattern (e.g. AABB or ABAB or ABBA or XAXA) or do you see how your 1st two lines come out? So many questions.

Anyone else (Michele) care to jump in here with their own answers?

Thanks!
How do I come up with a line? Ok, normally I strum the guitar and just sing something that comes to me, sing a bit more and write it all down before it evaporates. I see how far this takes me, then decide what pattern I want to use for rhyme. I would say rarely is the line short. I deliberately make it as long as it is, then work it to the music, fitting it in with the melody as I go. I would cut it to suit if it doesn't work. I try to avoid sentences, but try to leave an impression of something as part of the story thread. I haven't analysed this before, it just happens. The melody just happens as the song progresses and then there is probably a pattern, but the length of the lines can vary and you just fit it in.
I am looking for musical poetry I suppose. Most of my favourite songs to listen to are ones that paint a picture, but maybe you have to work out the meaning as you go.

The line..... 'Like a line from Bogey 'Here's looking at you.' You've lifted my heart, replenished and new.' I knew what the sentiment was that I wanted to convey. I came up with the Bogey line and the other one just rhymed and worked. I thought about the two words that needed to rhyme and the second line just came into my head. It was as simple as that. Sorry no magic formula. I do always think 'what am I trying to say here?' Sometimes the established melody inspires you to find a line. That is why I like to compose music and lyrics together. It just works for me. If I have music with or without lyrics I can change the lyrics, maybe that would be a good challenge?

Yes, after I have written a couple of lines I decide on the rhyme pattern.

The meter of the line is usually 3 or 4 bars fit the words. Use gaps where needed, roll the words when needed to fit the words. Again I just work it to the music and the melody. I don't think that it is anymore complicated than that. I think the music and rhythm is very important to make the song stand out. That's probably an obvious statement but true.

Hope this answers your questions Daryl, but feel free to ask more and if I can help I will.

Tom N.


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