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I wasn't going to post this but I can't seem to stop myself. Perhaps I have a problem? Anyway, here's a another song I'm trying to write. It's about a husband talking to his wife who has dementia. Some people think the lyrics are too vague. Opinions? Thoughts? It's just an audio for those expecting to "see" me.....

Hello Daryl,

My only suggestion is to change the name, or add to it. This will help the listener to understand what the writer is wanting to convey without guessing what the situation of the lady is.

Painful (and very real) topic for a song!

Bart

Hi Daryl,
I posted a bit on a new thread about the songwriting workshop I attended yesterday. And if you read that, then you know I hesitate to offer feedback, but I'll go ahead anyway.
The idea of the song is lovely - I have often wanted to write a song about dementia (my mother has it), and the tremendous sadness of that type of disease. It is really, a love song, and I think you achieved that goal.
The first two lines are a bit reminiscent of Gilbert O'Sullivan's Alone Again Naturally, which begins, "To think that only yesterday, I was cheerful, bright, and gay..." I like the following lines in that verse, but maybe you can search for a slightly different beginning.
I have no advice on the chord progression - mine are terribly pedestrian, so I'm hopeless with that part.
I'll leave it at that. I enjoyed listening to it - singing sounded fine - better that you suppose.
Cheers,
Lynn

daryl wrote:

I wasn't going to post this but I can't seem to stop myself. Perhaps I have a problem? Anyway, here's a another song I'm trying to write. It's about a husband talking to his wife who has dementia. Some people think the lyrics are too vague. Opinions? Thoughts? It's just an audio for those expecting to "see" me.....

Great job singing this song Daryl. The tune has the right tone for me. I would say you have to make it clear what you are talking about.
It isn't obvious. listening to the lyrics it could be about someone leaving or dying .

You can say someone has Dementia without specifically saying those words, or you could mention the word Dementia. Personally I would try to say it without saying it. if you know what I mean? Do whatever feels right and works in your opinion. You have to paint a picture with words, that to me is what good songwriting is about.

Keep at it you will get there, you have the start of something good.

Tom N.

familyman4 wrote:

Hello Daryl,

My only suggestion is to change the name, or add to it. This will help the listener to understand what the writer is wanting to convey without guessing what the situation of the lady is.

Painful (and very real) topic for a song!

Bart

Hi Bart, Thanks for listening and commenting. Do you have any suggestions for the title?

auntlynnie wrote:

Hi Daryl,
I posted a bit on a new thread about the songwriting workshop I attended yesterday. And if you read that, then you know I hesitate to offer feedback, but I'll go ahead anyway.
The idea of the song is lovely - I have often wanted to write a song about dementia (my mother has it), and the tremendous sadness of that type of disease. It is really, a love song, and I think you achieved that goal.
The first two lines are a bit reminiscent of Gilbert O'Sullivan's Alone Again Naturally, which begins, "To think that only yesterday, I was cheerful, bright, and gay..." I like the following lines in that verse, but maybe you can search for a slightly different beginning.
I have no advice on the chord progression - mine are terribly pedestrian, so I'm hopeless with that part.
I'll leave it at that. I enjoyed listening to it - singing sounded fine - better that you suppose.
Cheers,
Lynn

Hi Lynn, Thanks for listening and commenting. Go for it, write a song about dementia. It's great therapy. After posting my song, and then really listening to it, I saw that there were lines that still didn't quite work. I'm going to fix them and perhaps repost.

tombo1230 wrote:

daryl wrote:

I wasn't going to post this but I can't seem to stop myself. Perhaps I have a problem? Anyway, here's a another song I'm trying to write. It's about a husband talking to his wife who has dementia. Some people think the lyrics are too vague. Opinions? Thoughts? It's just an audio for those expecting to "see" me.....

Great job singing this song Daryl. The tune has the right tone for me. I would say you have to make it clear what you are talking about.
It isn't obvious. listening to the lyrics it could be about someone leaving or dying .

You can say someone has Dementia without specifically saying those words, or you could mention the word Dementia. Personally I would try to say it without saying it. if you know what I mean? Do whatever feels right and works in your opinion. You have to paint a picture with words, that to me is what good songwriting is about.

Keep at it you will get there, you have the start of something good.

Tom N.

Hi Tom, You already know I value your input. Thanks for the comment on the singing, but my singing still needs tons and tons of work. But knowing how limited my vocal abilities are, I really don't work at my singing - though I really should. I like the idea that my lyrics could be about someone leaving or dying or having dementia, or even about something total different. I toying with the idea of a pre-chorus along the lines of:


What goes on inside a mind
Once clear and crisp and deep
But now holds only fragments
Of what was and used to be

Painting pictures will come it time. Thanks!

daryl wrote:

tombo1230 wrote:

daryl wrote:

I wasn't going to post this but I can't seem to stop myself. Perhaps I have a problem? Anyway, here's a another song I'm trying to write. It's about a husband talking to his wife who has dementia. Some people think the lyrics are too vague. Opinions? Thoughts? It's just an audio for those expecting to "see" me.....

Great job singing this song Daryl. The tune has the right tone for me. I would say you have to make it clear what you are talking about.
It isn't obvious. listening to the lyrics it could be about someone leaving or dying .

You can say someone has Dementia without specifically saying those words, or you could mention the word Dementia. Personally I would try to say it without saying it. if you know what I mean? Do whatever feels right and works in your opinion. You have to paint a picture with words, that to me is what good songwriting is about.

Keep at it you will get there, you have the start of something good.

Tom N.

Hi Tom, You already know I value your input. Thanks for the comment on the singing, but my singing still needs tons and tons of work. But knowing how limited my vocal abilities are, I really don't work at my singing - though I really should. I like the idea that my lyrics could be about someone leaving or dying or having dementia, or even about something total different. I toying with the idea of a pre-chorus along the lines of:


What goes on inside a mind
Once clear and crisp and deep
But now holds only fragments
Of what was and used to be

Painting pictures will come it time. Thanks!

The second line is painting a picture. it is saying no longer clear, crisp or deep. In other words Foggy or unclear and that is painting the picture of something like Dementia without actually saying it. I have added something to the last line, for rhyme but also effect.

What goes on inside a mind
Once clear and crisp and deep
But now holds only fragments
Of what was and used to be, but now asleep.

Tom N.

Daryl, Can you send me the chords for this?

Daryl what good song,, I can feel the sadness about dementia but also if your lost someone,

why is it always sounding better with earphone?

Willem