Engineer Jokes

Chasplaya
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Fri Jun 19, 2009 7:17 pm

Inspired by another Forum thread.

Well lets start it off:

TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.


haoli25
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Fri Jun 19, 2009 10:58 pm

21. Extensive Modifications Are Now Being Implemented - Someone lost the original schematic

22. All Digital Technology- The Analog version didn't work.

23. Field Tested- Several blew up!

24. Revolutionary Design - We have no idea how it works.

25. Consumer Friendly - Most of the instructions are in English.

26. Very Consumer Friendly - Instructions have a few pictures.

27. 24hr. Customer Support - Good luck with Akmed in Pakistan.

28. Winner of BEST IN SHOW at the Consumer Electronis Show - The lawyers and marketing people made us say that.

29. Patent Pending - Electrocution Hazard.

30. Underwriter's Laboratories Tested - Electrocution hazard fixed.



Haoli


Chasplaya
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Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:42 pm

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well'" replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all her clothes and says, "You can have ANYTHING you want." "Good choice," says the first, "Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"


AndyT
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Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:05 am

Anyone can break something but it takes an engineer to really screw it up.


Chasplaya
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Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:36 am

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.
[dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


haoli25
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Sat Jun 20, 2009 1:12 am

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness.
Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.


Engineers have the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete
exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes
engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
Some funeral homes have started checking resumes before processing
the bodies.
Anybody with a degree in engineering or experience in computer programming
is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.


Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody
has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a
lever to extract more work from the engineer.
When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
it's really not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the
engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these
lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the
engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved
Chihuahua on a pork chop.



Haoli


Chasplaya
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Sat Jun 20, 2009 2:10 am

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. Accounting demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark .. ..... ..... $1
Knowing where to put it ..... $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired in peace.


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