An airliner flew into a violent thunderstorm and was soon swaying and bumping around the sky.
One very nervous lady happened to be sitting next to a clergyman and turned to him. “Can't you do something?” she demanded angrily.
“I'm sorry ma'am,” the reverend said gently, “I'm in sales, not management.”
Preacher Jokes
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.He called a female angel and sent her down to Earth.
When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view.
When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....
...
...
...
... Oh! you didn't get one??
When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view.
When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....
...
...
...
... Oh! you didn't get one??
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
AndyT wrote:
Nope he's on my SPAM list... jkOne day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.He called a female angel and sent her down to Earth.
When she returned she told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. She reported that 95% is bad and 5%is good. God thought a moment and decided He had better send down a male angel to get both points of view.
When the male angel returned he confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good. God thought about what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that were good with a little pep-talk, something to encourage them, something to help keep them going. Do you know what the e-mail said?....
...
...
...
... Oh! you didn't get one??
Actual Church Signs:
=> "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
=> "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
=> "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
=> "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
=> "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
=> "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
=> "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
=> "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
=> "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
=> "People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
=> "God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
=> "When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right."
=> "Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
=> "How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
=> "Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
=> "If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
=> "If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
=> "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes." St. Peter replies, "Why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that, "Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can you tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmmm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!'"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen"
"About three minutes ago."
At an interfaith retreat some time ago, the organizers decided to allow for a free afternoon of just socializing. A priest, minister, and a rabbi went fishing together.
After awhile, the priest said, "Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee." He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore. He finished his business, then walked back across the water to the boat.
The minister said, "Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go," stood up, stepped over the side of the boat,and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat.
The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, "well, if they can do this, so can I!" He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and sunk like a shot.
The priest turned to the minister and said, "You think we should have told him where the rocks were?"
After awhile, the priest said, "Brother, Rabbi, would you please both excuse me, I've got to pee." He laid down his fishing pole, stepped over the side of the boat, and walked across the water to the shore. He finished his business, then walked back across the water to the boat.
The minister said, "Father, I didn't want to be the first to have to go," stood up, stepped over the side of the boat,and walked right on top of the water to the shore. He also finished his business, zipped up, and walked back on the water right back to the boat.
The rabbi was awestruck. Imagine -- WALKING on water! He thought to himself, "well, if they can do this, so can I!" He excused himself to the priest and minister, put his pole down, stepped over the side of the boat . . . and sunk like a shot.
The priest turned to the minister and said, "You think we should have told him where the rocks were?"
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher. I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 second this time brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher... "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of £25.00.
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, "What's wrong?"
The reply came, "I can't get this mower started. Do you know how?"
The kid said, "Yep."
"Well, how do you do it? Tell me!", the preacher yelled.
The kid replied, "You have to cuss it."
The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I've forgotten how to do it after all these years."
With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."
Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer. This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God as the judge. They sat at their computers and began.
They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckled, "Jesus saves"
They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers. Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckled, "Jesus saves"