Bear Jokes

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neverfoundthetime
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Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:45 am

Yeah, Ticino or Tessin as the German speaking part calls it, is south side of the Alps with an almost Mediterranean climate. And like all of Switzerland, it's very pretty. Ciao Bello!


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neverfoundthetime
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Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:47 am

....hey what happened to the Bear jokes.... Chas must be fast asleep in NZ....


rcsnydley
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Tue Aug 11, 2009 11:26 am

The thread pirates strike again. I saw the Jolly Roger flying two pages back.:ohmy:


AndyT
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Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:23 pm

Chris was riding his tricycle a little too near a cliff edge one day when the ground suddenly gave way and over Chris went. Amazingly he was able to grab the trunk of a very small tree growing out of the cliff face. Chris hung there, dangling by the thin roots of the tree. Scared to move he began yelling loudly, "ANDY! HELP ME!" Suddenly a rope snaked down next to him and he heard Bears voice call down. "Grab the rope!" Bur Chris yelled back up, "No thanks, Andy's gonna save me." So Bear left. After a while, Chris was still yelling and Chas came descending the cliff face with an extra harness. "Here, hook up and lets go." Chas said. Chris again declined saying, "Andy will save me." So reluctantly Chas left. After a long while, Chris began screaming at the tip of his lungs for help when a magnificent voice came thundering down and said "What?" "Oh Andy!" said Chris, "Help me!" Then Andy said I sent you Bear, I sent you Chas....


Lavallee
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Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:31 pm

Professional deformation huuuum ;)


AndyT
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Tue Aug 11, 2009 10:59 pm

Lavallee, yeah, I'll get back to you on that. LOL


Chasplaya
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Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:08 am

rcsnydley wrote:
The thread pirates strike again. I saw the Jolly Roger flying two pages back.:ohmy:
Arrr Jim Lad yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, I be awake now me hearties!!


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neverfoundthetime
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Wed Aug 12, 2009 3:46 pm

Bear and Andy were good mates. Out on a week’s Safari trip in the bush, days away from civilisation, they came across a pool of cool water under shady trees and decided to take a skinny-dip. Suddenly Bear sees a deadly black water snake swimming close to Andy. Bear calls out, “Andy, don’t move, there’s a deadly black water snake!”
Andy panics and the snake bites him….. on his willy.
“Bear, Bear! It bit me!”
“Oh, God! Where?” cries Bear.”
“On my willy, on my willy!!”
“That’s not good, that’s not good!” shouts Bear.
“What shall I do, what shall I do?” cries Andy in shock.
“Don’t panic” says Bear, “I’ll get Help from that village we passed last night. Just hold on tight to your willy and don’t let the poison spread!”
“But Bear”, says Andy, “the venom of a black water snake can kill within hours!”
“I know, I know” says Bear, “I’ll run all the way. Don’t worry, mate, I’ll get help from Chasawahli, the witchdoctor, just hold on!”
So off Bear ran through the bush never stopping even for a minute. Andy was his best friend, he must find help! But the village was further away than he remembered. It took several hours before Bear found it again. Finally he arrived and ran straight to Chasawahli Nzbwana, the witchdoctor.
“Chasawahli, Chasawahli, oh great and wise Shaman, I need help! My friend Andy’s been bitten by a deadly black water snake. What can I do?”
“Oh Bear, is it true? Are you sure? A deadly black water snake!”
“Yes, yes” says Bear, “I saw it for sure!”
“You know” says Chasawahli, “that the venom of the black water snake is highly deadly, it kills within hours?”
“Yes, Yes, I know!” whales Bear “what can I do?”
“Ok, don’t panic, big Bear, there is one way you can help your friend and you may be in time if you act immediately.”
“What is it, I’ll do anything?” says Bear.
Taking a stick, Chasawahli makes a cut in to the wood and raises it to his lips and sucks. “You must make a cut between the two holes of the snake’s bite and suck out all the venom or I’m afraid, you friend will surely die. Here take my sacred Swiss army knife and run like the wind!” And Bear runs all the way back to Andy who is lying groaning on the ground looking pale and fraught but relieved that Bear is back.
“Bear, Bear, at last you’re back, thank you my friend! What did the great witch doctor say?”
And Bear says, “You're gonna die!”


AndyT
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Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:27 am

Andy (the Pilot), Chas, Chris, the Pope, and Bear were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, Andy came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, Andy grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

"I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Chas. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Chas then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

"I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Chris. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Chris grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane."

"You don't have to stay here!" said Bear, "The world's smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack."


AndyT
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Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:31 am

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man (Chas) replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man (Bear) comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man (Chris) came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."


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