Clean Musician/Music Joke of the Day

jim56
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Tue Mar 02, 2010 5:16 am

A very old conductor was giving his final (at last!) concert . Someone in the front row beckoned to the concertmaster and asked " What's the old man conducting tonight ?" The concertmaster replied , "I don't know what he's conducting , but we are playing Beethoven's Fifth ."


Chasplaya
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Thu Mar 04, 2010 11:34 pm

Orchestra Personnel Standards

conductor
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Gives policy to God.
concertmaster
Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
Is more powerful than a switch engine.
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if sea is calm.
Talks with God.
oboist
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
Talks with God if special request is approved.
trumpet player
Barely clears a quonset hut.
Loses tug-of-war with locomotive.
Can fire a speeding bullet.
Swims well.
Is occasionally addressed by God.
bassoonist
Makes marks high on wall when trying to clear short buildings.
Is run over by locomotive.
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
Dog-paddles.
Talks to animals.
second violinist
Runs into buildings.
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three.
Is not issued any ammunition.
Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
Talks to walls, argues with self.
manager
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
Says "Look at the choo-choo."
Wets self with water pistol.
Plays in mud puddles.
Loses arguments with self.
horn player
Lifts buildings and walks under them.
Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them.
Freezes water with a single glance.
Is God.


jim56
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Fri Mar 05, 2010 6:35 am

An electric guitar player comes to the doctor and complains about a serious deterioriation of his memory. He especially has a hard time remembering correct time changes and is afraid to lose all his gigs. Since the doctor can't find the cause, he asks the electric guitar player to leave behind his brain for a week in his lab for more detailed examinations. After seven days the guitar player fails to show up, and even after 2 more weeks there's no sign of him. Finally the doctor runs into him on the street, grabs him and asks: "Excuse me, but your brain is still waiting for you to stop by and pick it up, so why don't you show up?" The electric guitar player says, "Well, I think you can keep it; I finally switched to drums..."


Chasplaya
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Sun Mar 07, 2010 2:32 am

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."


jim56
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Sun Mar 07, 2010 8:24 am

Definition of music written by a kid on a music test : Music: A complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer , incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience .


Chasplaya
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Mon Mar 08, 2010 12:53 pm

The PLO has taken 90 accordion players hostage.



If their demands aren't met, they'll release one every hour.


Chasplaya
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Tue Mar 09, 2010 2:03 pm

What is brown and black and looks good on a music critic?



A Doberman!


jim56
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Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:38 am

WIDSOM OF CHILDREN - EXAM HOWLERS

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster, which he kept in his attic.

Handel was half German, half Italian and half English.

Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music.

Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Most composers do not live until they are dead.


Chasplaya
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Wed Mar 10, 2010 3:06 pm

Who makes the best Viola mutes?



Smith & Wesson.


jim56
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Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:31 pm

Q: How do you know when there's a drummer at the door?
A: His timing is terrible and he never knows when to come in!


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