Just Jokes (Clean one!)

Chasplaya
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Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2008 8:41 pm
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Fri Jan 15, 2010 3:36 pm

Terror alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing
the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from
"Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more
levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and
rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to
gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie
is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.


hasben
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Joined: Tue Nov 10, 2009 12:00 pm
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Fri Jan 15, 2010 3:44 pm

What a post Chas. My response could only be: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :) :) :) :) :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:


jim56
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Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2009 1:29 am
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Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:13 pm

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


jsg222
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Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 1:21 pm
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Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:48 pm

A man goes to the doctor because he's feeling depressed. The doctor looks over his file, then tells the man to go see the circus, specifically see a clown named Bozo. The man looks around nervously, then leans in close to the doctor. He says "But Doc... I AM Bozo the clown."


User avatar
neverfoundthetime
Posts: 48
Joined: Sat Aug 01, 2009 2:14 pm
Status: Offline

Tue Mar 02, 2010 9:11 pm

... and the Swiss will be raising their level of alarm to:
Yes you can bank all your gold with us...... just sign here, er, whatsyourname.... it's ok, we don't need a forwarding address....
Nice one Chas!

Terror alerts

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the
blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great
fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the
Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have
been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing
the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a
heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from
"Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more
levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of
their allies, just in case.

And at a local level...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to
"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a
squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some
toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more
level of escalation, which is "Shit, I hope Australia will come and
rescue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to
gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!',
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie
is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final
escalation level.


jim56
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Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2009 1:29 am
Status: Offline

Wed Mar 03, 2010 6:27 am

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Lavallee
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Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:48 am
Status: Offline

Wed Mar 03, 2010 9:55 am

LOL Jim


jim56
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Joined: Sat Mar 07, 2009 1:29 am
Status: Offline

Thu Mar 04, 2010 6:49 am

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word.

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?


willem
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2009 7:53 am
Status: Offline

Thu Mar 04, 2010 7:25 am

A farmer say's to me,,''my ranch is so big when i drive in me car around it, it takes me three day's,,,Well i said,,''i ones had a car like that''...


takhak
Posts: 0
Joined: Wed Sep 02, 2009 3:15 pm
Status: Offline

Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:28 pm

a bass player and his wife were in the hospital. his wife had just given
birth to their newborn son. they were veiwing him through the glass and
the bass player,beaming with pride said to his wife ' "he's so handsome,
andlookk at the size of his unit,it's huge." his wife replied,"yes i know,...
but he has your eyes"


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