Songwriting/Lyric Challenge (Only Yesterday)

tombo1230
Posts: 0
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2010 8:27 am
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 5:11 am

This is a first draft and probably a bit rough and needing a chorus, but here it is:
All thoughts welcome.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet.
Sugar and spice and all things to delight,
the angel of my dreams, a dove without flight. (flyte)

A smile, a passing look, happening by chance.
A sunny beach holiday a shared last dance.
Living and loving, cocktails and passion,
All seems destined and planned to a fashion.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet

Like a line from Bogey 'Here's looking at you.'
You've lifted my heart, replenished and new.
A holiday romance, loves currency to spend,
like all good things must come to an end.

With feet on the ground and bags unpacked,
will this just be a talking point or a matter of fact.
Unfinished business, this story may not end just yet.
Is this the beginning of something or the end with regret?


Tom N.


User avatar
daryl
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:21 am
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 6:35 am

thereshopeyet wrote:
Daryl and Michelle

Here's my attempt !
I have no idea how you'd put music to it though !

Dermot

Only Yesterday

Verse 1
What have we learn't
From the beginning of time
And the big bang
There's nothin' clever to killing.

Chorus 1
If only yesterday
Were really history
There'd be no thin or fat man
And Little Boy'd have no big brothers

Verse 2
No need for no regrets
Frankly the oceans of time
Would be still as peace.
If only yesterday were history
And wasn't today.

Chorus 2
If only yesterday
The crown of thorns didn't exist
Round Robin wouldn't be bleeding
While singing his song
Of the man in pain.

Bridge
Little Round Robin
Singing his song
Bleeding his heart out
Singing of the betrayed man in pain.

Verse 3
What have we learn't
From the beginning of time
And big bang of course,
There's no value to killing.

Chorus 3
There'd be no thin of fat man
Little Boy'd have no big brothers
While the sun'd shine
Over Manhattan

Outro
If only yesterday were more forgiving
If only yesterday were more forgiving
If only yesterday were more forgiving
Way to go Dermot!
You've got some really good lines in there.
I especially like the lines: "Frankly the oceans of time / Would be still as peace. / If only yesterday were history / And wasn't today.". Really deep.
Thanks for playing!


User avatar
daryl
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:21 am
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 6:44 am

tombo1230 wrote:
daryl wrote:
"Only Yesterday" reworked slightly with Tom's suggestions. I think it flows a little better than my first attempt.....


I remember your sparkling blue eyes whenever you smiled
And playing again and again our Happy Day game
You saving poor Mario and Luigi from the perilous wild
And it all seems like only yesterday

I remember Friday night sleep overs and swinging in the park
And our tasty week-end Dim Sum feasts
Our Sunday open-house tours and laughing ‘til dark
And it still seems like only yesterday in a heart beat

While the sands of time go slipping by
Another day’s gone in the blink of an eye

Now you’re grown and on your own
You tell me you’ll visit soon or so you say
Thinking sadly now I should have known
Oh how I wish it were only yesterday
That's much better Daryl! I really like this! Ok so you have a poem now, the real test is to come up with some music and re-shape the words if need be, to fit your tempo and expression and make a song. I like that you have added extra meaning on the third line but be careful that it doesn't come out of the blue. To help a little you could support line 3 by adding something on line 4, like for instance, 'brothers in arms' it all seems like only yesterdays fame and it rhymes better. I am not suggesting you use this if you have thoughts on something better, this is just off the top of my head, but you can see how it adds more intrigue. The more you add like this the more it can add to your story, but it can have a knock on effect if you have to elaborate further on. Hope this helps.

Tom N.
Thanks Tom. The meter is much better in this one than my first attempt. But it's still not right in some places. Regarding the 3rd line in the 1st verse.....I figured many/most people wouldn't get the reference. But I left it in because these lyrics are really just an exercise and just for me. The 1st verse is about memories of time spent with my daughter when she was very young. We used to play a game called "Happy Day" over and over and over. She loved that game. We also used to play a video game (from Nintendo) called something like "Super Mario" where the object was to keep Mario (and his brother Luigi) from getting killed by strange little creatures or by falling down chasms.


User avatar
daryl
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:21 am
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 6:47 am

tombo1230 wrote:
michelew wrote:
Hey Tom,

I've been roughing out a sketch of the music this afternoon. Instead of happy.... Substitute quite tortured. ;) but hey it's a beginning and you'll get to hear the melody in my head. I've changed the words a bit and added a last line. It's only about 1:30 minutes long. So if I were to take it further, ... which I probably won't unless someone really wants to collaborate on the music, I could expand out the story. I think the oohs need to be replaced with a chorus too. I'm letting that cook. So there's space in there for more who, what, where. But, I think leaving space open for people to use their imagination works too.

See what you think when I get it up. It might be tonight (Sydney time) it might be tomorrow.

How do we post audio only?

M
Sounds like you've been busy Michele. 'Tortured,' interesting! :ohmy:

You could post your audio with a slate/colour wash, or id board that is, then it would upload as a video???
Some people have used a site that they had joined free to upload their audio, can't recall what it's called though, maybe Daryl would know.

I couldn't get inspired to write anything yesterday evening, so I watched a Bee Gees concert instead, 'One Night Only,' Now those guys could write songs! I have a first draft for my poem now, actually that was a slip of the tongue calling it a poem, but is in fact correct. I don't write lyrics first, normally I would do music and words together, I just find it easier, so this is weird, because at this stage I am not sure if it's a song. :huh: :ohmy: :dry: :) Time will tell. Posting soon. :)

Tom N.
You could use SoundCloud to post audios if you want, or just use a still picture or simply a colored background (i.e. Tom's "wash" reference) in your video editor along with your audio track.


User avatar
daryl
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:21 am
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 7:00 am

tombo1230 wrote:
This is a first draft and probably a bit rough and needing a chorus, but here it is:
All thoughts welcome.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet.
Sugar and spice and all things to delight,
the angel of my dreams, a dove without flight. (flyte)

A smile, a passing look, happening by chance.
A sunny beach holiday a shared last dance.
Living and loving, cocktails and passion,
All seems destined and planned to a fashion.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet

Like a line from Bogey 'Here's looking at you.'
You've lifted my heart, replenished and new.
A holiday romance, loves currency to spend,
like all good things must come to an end.

With feet on the ground and bags unpacked,
will this just be a talking point or a matter of fact.
Unfinished business, this story may not end just yet.
Is this the beginning of something or the end with regret?


Tom N.
Tom, I really like this. But was unsure of where it was going. After the first verse, I thought "oh no everything WAS wonderful only yesterday, now what is today going to bring to this poor soul". And then the 2nd verse was just lovely with how the two met and blissfully were living together. The bridge brought back the foreboding feeling. The 3rd verse was still lovely and positive until the last line and I thought, "OK here it comes - here is where things turn". Then in the 4th verse I got confused. Does the first line refer to coming back from the holiday of the 3rd verse and what does the 2nd line mean about "talking points or matter of fact"? What is the unfinished business and why are things ending with regret? Everything in your story really sounded positive. Am I missing something?


michelew
Posts: 87
Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2009 5:43 pm
Location: Sydney, Australia
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 8:44 am

Well I've had fun with this. It's not pretty. B) or fancy and I'm sure I've broken a bunch of rules. But it was fun.

If I were to add to this I've change a fair few things. For starters I'd replace the root notes bass line with something more interesting, keep singing until it was richer and try to add some interesting guitar lines (maybe get some help on that one). I'm sure someone could advise me on better balance too.

Ahhhh... This isn't the tone I was originally intending, but it started heading in this direction and I just decided to go with it. :) :) ;) Tom I'm not sure you'll want more back story after this. ;)

revised lyrics.


Only yesterday

Only yesterday my heart was blue,
I hadn't even heard of you
But now you've got me dancin' in the street

Only yesterday I moped around
Now my life's turned upside down
And I'm as playful as can be

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Only yesterday my life was small
Now I'm walking ten feet tall
The world's a crazy place to be

Only yesterday my life was gray
And now you've blown that all away
You've sparked a fire inside of me

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Now my heart's been set alight
I'm energised and full of fight
You've rocked me with you alchemy

Only yesterday my heart was blue
And now it's full of love for you
You're one sweet gorgeous symphony
I'm crazy 'bout you can't you see






Daryl, Tom - thanks for the advice.

Dermot - you've got some mighty deep lyrics there.

It's a little late here so I'll comment on the other posts tomorrow.


tombo1230
Posts: 0
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2010 8:27 am
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 9:38 am

daryl wrote:
tombo1230 wrote:
This is a first draft and probably a bit rough and needing a chorus, but here it is:
All thoughts welcome.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet.
Sugar and spice and all things to delight,
the angel of my dreams, a dove without flight. (flyte)

A smile, a passing look, happening by chance.
A sunny beach holiday a shared last dance.
Living and loving, cocktails and passion,
All seems destined and planned to a fashion.

Only yesterday my life was so complete
and only yesterday I had the world at my feet

Like a line from Bogey 'Here's looking at you.'
You've lifted my heart, replenished and new.
A holiday romance, loves currency to spend,
like all good things must come to an end.

With feet on the ground and bags unpacked,
will this just be a talking point or a matter of fact.
Unfinished business, this story may not end just yet.
Is this the beginning of something or the end with regret?


Tom N.
Tom, I really like this. But was unsure of where it was going. After the first verse, I thought "oh no everything WAS wonderful only yesterday, now what is today going to bring to this poor soul". And then the 2nd verse was just lovely with how the two met and blissfully were living together. The bridge brought back the foreboding feeling. The 3rd verse was still lovely and positive until the last line and I thought, "OK here it comes - here is where things turn". Then in the 4th verse I got confused. Does the first line refer to coming back from the holiday of the 3rd verse and what does the 2nd line mean about "talking points or matter of fact"? What is the unfinished business and why are things ending with regret? Everything in your story really sounded positive. Am I missing something?
Hi Daryl,
it's about a holiday romance that is great while it lasted. When the guy gets home he is unsure about how real it was. With feet on the ground has a double meaning, having landed after his flight and also back to reality, a sort of anti-climax. The third verse is just the end of his vacation and they have to part. The fourth verse is the double meaning and also he is unsure where he stands. It's really just an outline of a story and needs to be longer. The bridge bit is where I need a chorus 'cos that one doesn't fit, so is really a place holder, but the subject is 'only yesterday.' To be honest I wasn't sure where this story was going because it's really not based on anything concrete. As I have said before, I much prefer just writing a song with words and music together. I find this method of writing the words first without music, really sterile. I don't think this works for me, I just don't feel it. :( I probably should have got the guitar out.

Tom N.


tombo1230
Posts: 0
Joined: Sat Apr 24, 2010 8:27 am
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 9:41 am

michelew wrote:
Well I've had fun with this. It's not pretty. B) or fancy and I'm sure I've broken a bunch of rules. But it was fun.

If I were to add to this I've change a fair few things. For starters I'd replace the root notes bass line with something more interesting, keep singing until it was richer and try to add some interesting guitar lines (maybe get some help on that one). I'm sure someone could advise me on better balance too.

Ahhhh... This isn't the tone I was originally intending, but it started heading in this direction and I just decided to go with it. :) :) ;) Tom I'm not sure you'll want more back story after this. ;)

revised lyrics.


Only yesterday

Only yesterday my heart was blue,
I hadn't even heard of you
But now you've got me dancin' in the street

Only yesterday I moped around
Now my life's turned upside down
And I'm as playful as can be

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Only yesterday my life was small
Now I'm walking ten feet tall
The world's a crazy place to be

Only yesterday my life was gray
And now you've blown that all away
You've sparked a fire inside of me

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Now my heart's been set alight
I'm energised and full of fight
You've rocked me with you alchemy

Only yesterday my heart was blue
And now it's full of love for you
You're one sweet gorgeous symphony
I'm crazy 'bout you can't you see






Daryl, Tom - thanks for the advice.

Dermot - you've got some mighty deep lyrics there.

It's a little late here so I'll comment on the other posts tomorrow.
Wow Michele,
that's transformed nicely with the music. I think you have a pop song on your hands. Job done! B) :)


Tom N.


User avatar
daryl
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Dec 17, 2010 9:21 am
Location: Massachusetts, USA
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 9:51 am

michelew wrote:
Well I've had fun with this. It's not pretty. B) or fancy and I'm sure I've broken a bunch of rules. But it was fun.

If I were to add to this I've change a fair few things. For starters I'd replace the root notes bass line with something more interesting, keep singing until it was richer and try to add some interesting guitar lines (maybe get some help on that one). I'm sure someone could advise me on better balance too.

Ahhhh... This isn't the tone I was originally intending, but it started heading in this direction and I just decided to go with it. :) :) ;) Tom I'm not sure you'll want more back story after this. ;)

revised lyrics.


Only yesterday

Only yesterday my heart was blue,
I hadn't even heard of you
But now you've got me dancin' in the street

Only yesterday I moped around
Now my life's turned upside down
And I'm as playful as can be

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Only yesterday my life was small
Now I'm walking ten feet tall
The world's a crazy place to be

Only yesterday my life was gray
And now you've blown that all away
You've sparked a fire inside of me

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Now my heart's been set alight
I'm energised and full of fight
You've rocked me with you alchemy

Only yesterday my heart was blue
And now it's full of love for you
You're one sweet gorgeous symphony
I'm crazy 'bout you can't you see






Daryl, Tom - thanks for the advice.

Dermot - you've got some mighty deep lyrics there.

It's a little late here so I'll comment on the other posts tomorrow.
WOW! You rocker you! That was NOT expected. Too funny. Did you spike your hair and pierce your face for the video? Cool sound on the guitar. How did you do the drums. And nice touch with the harmonies at the end. Fun fun fun .


thereshopeyet
Posts: 130
Joined: Thu Jun 25, 2009 4:19 pm
Status: Offline

Sun Mar 09, 2014 11:58 am

Daryl Michelle and Tom

Gosh Michelle great audio and singing of your song.

I've missed a lot of the lyrics that have gone up.
I need to take a look.

Dermot


Post Reply Previous topicNext topic