Guitar Jokes

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Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:50 pm

Kate here's another one for you from the Pearly Gates!

A fingerstyle guitarist dies and is quite pleased to find that he ends up standing before the Pearly Gates of Guitar Heaven. St. Peter shows him in, and gives him a guided tour.

"This is Chet Atkin's room here..." says Peter, and the guitarist is saying "Wow! Chet Atkins!" "And this is Merle Travis' room here and Marcel Dadi's is over there..." and the Fingerstyle Guitarist is totally in awe.

Finally Peter shows the guitarist to his own room. Before Peter leaves, he says to him, "I have to ask. Is Hedges here?" Peter shakes his head sadly and says "I'm afraid he needed to... spend time in Pergatory. But he'll be along soon enough."

The guitarist is disappointed but goes to his room and tries to get some sleep. He's awoken in the middle of the night by someone playing - a Harp Guitar - and it sounds just like Michael. He presses his ear to the wall, and listens more closely. Someone in the next room was now playing... it can't be .... a fingerstyle version of “Pinball Wizard”. The fingerstyle guitarist is confused as it sounds so much like Michael Hedges. The next day he tells Peter that he is almost certain that Hedges is in the next room.

Peter pulls him to one side, and whispers into his ear, "Shhh.... don't tell anyone. That's God. He thinks he's Michael Hedges"

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Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:53 pm

Here's another one!!

A young, single woman is feeling very ill and has an extensive series of tests done by her doctor. After weeks of tests and more tests, the doctor calls her in. He tells her, I have to be frank with you the test results are not good. You have an incurable disease, and it is terminal. I would think you have no more than six months to live.
Devastated, she sobbingly asks the doctor, is there anything I can do?

The doctor says, well, if I were you I would run out and marry a guitarist ASAP.

She asks, How will that help my illness?

The doctor says, "Oh it won't help your illness; but it will make that six months seem like an eternity!"

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Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:54 pm

I could just keep going!!

...guy walks into a fingerstyle guitar convention, picks up a guitar and begins to play. He plays so beautifully that before he has finished the song, he has attracted a crowd of fingerstlye guitarist onlookers.

"What is that strange tuning?!" he is asked.

"EADGBE" he replies.

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Wed Jun 03, 2009 6:18 pm

Gingold- here's some more bad drummer jokes for you!! Drummers are such easy targets!

How do you tell if the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling from both sides of his mouth.

What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his girlfriend?


What do you call a drummer with half a brain?


What does a drummer use for contraception?

His personality

Hey, did you hear about the drummer who finished high school?

Me either

Why do guitarists put drumsticks on the dash of their car?

So they can park in the handicapped spot

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

How do you get a drummer off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

What does the average drummer get on an IQ test?


How can you make a drummer's car more aerodynamic?

Take the Pizza sign off of it

I could go on forever!! And don't get me started on the keeping time jokes!!

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Wed Jun 03, 2009 9:28 pm

I have only been in the marching band and high school jazz band so most of my jokes don't apply, but I think I can modify a few ...

Why are all the musical jokes one liners?
So the drummer can understand them.

How do you make a chainsaw sound like a guitar?
Add a whammy bar.

How do you tune two leads?
Shoot one.

What is the difference between an onion and a guitar?
No one cried when you cut up a guitar.

I looked up the definition of optimism the other day ... a drummer with a business card

So these two bassists walk past a bar ... what, it's possible!

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Thu Jun 04, 2009 12:25 am

LOL on the 6 months to live BigBear! And Desmond, bravo on the drummer with a business card! You guys made my night!

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Thu Jun 04, 2009 10:02 pm

Let's not forget our friends the bass players!

Q - What's the difference between a Bassist and a rhino that's just eaten a tin of baked beans?

A - One's a huge useless thing that makes a deep farting noise and the other is a rhino.

Q - What's the definition of a bass player?

A - Halfway between a drummer and a musician.

Q - Why did the bass player get angry with the lead guitarist?

A - The lead guitarist de-turned a string and wouldn't tell him which one.

Q - Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?

A - Even a virus has some pride.

A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"

"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer.

So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"

Happy Playin'

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Tue Jun 09, 2009 10:18 am

Well done BigBear! Here are a few more:

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back.

Q: How do you know it's a singer at the door?
A: He doesn't know when to come in.

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Tue Jun 09, 2009 1:44 pm

I love 'em! Thanks guys, you made my day...AGAIN!


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