Guitar jokes
Q: How do you make him stop playing?
A: Put notes on it!
Q: What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
A: Pick on someone your own size!
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Give him a sheet of music.
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
A: Would you like fries with that?
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
Clean Musician/Music Joke of the Day
dennisg wrote:
Indeed I'm surprised a writer of your stature hasn't picked up on this sure fire technique Dennis. Try it in your next piece of work and watch the accolades roll in my friend.See, that right there is the problem with the humor I write. I never bold-face the jokes. Look what I've been missing all these years.
- Dennis
tovo wrote:
Damn right, Tony! I'm calling my publisher today. Stop the presses!dennisg wrote:Indeed I'm surprised a writer of your stature hasn't picked up on this sure fire technique Dennis. Try it in your next piece of work and watch the accolades roll in my friend.See, that right there is the problem with the humor I write. I never bold-face the jokes. Look what I've been missing all these years.
- Dennis
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the
Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the
cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
A kid reaches his teenage years and decides to become a musician like his Dad.
Dad says, "Okay, but you must do this properly and take lessons on the instrument. What do you want to play?"
Junior replies, "I want to be a bass player."
"Fine," says the proud Dad and he goes out and buys a Junior a bass and amp and arranges for the lessons. Junior returns from his first lesson and Dad asks how it went. "Great!" says the lad,"I learned all the notes on the E string." "Terrific!", Dad replies.
The next week Junior returns from the 2nd lesson. Dad asks again how it went. "Cool", says Junior, "I learned all the notes on the A string." "Good progress," smile Dad.
The next week Dad comes home to find his son sitting with his XBox. "Hey, I thought you had a bass lesson today. " The kid looks up and says, "Yeah, but I blew it off, I've got a gig."
Dad says, "Okay, but you must do this properly and take lessons on the instrument. What do you want to play?"
Junior replies, "I want to be a bass player."
"Fine," says the proud Dad and he goes out and buys a Junior a bass and amp and arranges for the lessons. Junior returns from his first lesson and Dad asks how it went. "Great!" says the lad,"I learned all the notes on the E string." "Terrific!", Dad replies.
The next week Junior returns from the 2nd lesson. Dad asks again how it went. "Cool", says Junior, "I learned all the notes on the A string." "Good progress," smile Dad.
The next week Dad comes home to find his son sitting with his XBox. "Hey, I thought you had a bass lesson today. " The kid looks up and says, "Yeah, but I blew it off, I've got a gig."
The handsome young Rock star asked a beautiful young
Diva, "Will You Marry Me?"
The beautiful young Diva said, "NO, I will NOT marry you."
The handsome young Rock star lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles. He went hunting, fishing, and played golf everyday. He drank beer and scotch and he had tons of money in the bank. He also left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Bill
Diva, "Will You Marry Me?"
The beautiful young Diva said, "NO, I will NOT marry you."
The handsome young Rock star lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles. He went hunting, fishing, and played golf everyday. He drank beer and scotch and he had tons of money in the bank. He also left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
Bill
haoli25 wrote:
I think that's one of Aesop's Fables. My mother read that to me when I was young.The handsome young Rock star asked a beautiful young
Diva, "Will You Marry Me?"
The beautiful young Diva said, "NO, I will NOT marry you."
The handsome young Rock star lived happily ever after. He rode motorcycles. He went hunting, fishing, and played golf everyday. He drank beer and scotch and he had tons of money in the bank. He also left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims. At this point, you must understand two things:
1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page;
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, favored by local musicians.
It was decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts they'd quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking (and feeling) dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the
tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now.
However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious!
And why not? After all (get ready, here it comes...)
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.
1. There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Nothing. Not a single note for page after page;
2. There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera House, favored by local musicians.
It was decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts they'd quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking (and feeling) dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and have a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the
tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now.
However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble. Katims was furious!
And why not? After all (get ready, here it comes...)
It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.