Songwriting/Lyric Challenge (Only Yesterday)

[tombo1230]

daryl wrote:

tombo1230 wrote:

daryl wrote:

OK. Here's my first attempt at "Only Yesterday". Thoughts? Suggestions?

Sparkling blue eyes when you smiled
Playing our Happy Day game
Saving Mario from the wild
It all seems like only yesterday

Friday night sleep overs
Week-end Dim Sum buffets
Our Sunday open-house tours
Still seems like only yesterday

Time has a way of slipping away
In the blink of an eye there goes another day

Now you’re grown and on your own
You’ll visit soon or so you say
Thinking sadly now if I had known
Oh how I wish it were only yesterday

This is a very good start imho, You tell us what your relationship was like, obviously good and now it's not so secure. I see a lot of melancholly and maybe regret. I want more story in the middle, how has this come about. I would also like to see some more rhyming.

Tom N.

Could you elaborate on the "more rhyming"? I did attempt a rhyming pattern of ABAB (smiled/game/wild/day) (overs/buffets/tours/day) and (own/say/known/day). Any suggestions on how to improve things?

Sorry Daryl,
I slipped into AA BB when I wrote that, which I have just started in my own song. :unsure:

This section for instance, the rhyming for me is too vague, overs - tours and buffets - yesterdays. Ok if I change to an American accent
buffets and yesterdays works, just didn't in my accent. I still can't get overs and tours to work though. It's only a small point.
Friday night sleep overs
Week-end Dim Sum buffets
Our Sunday open-house tours
Still seems like only yesterday

The last verse works well.

Now you’re grown and on your own
You’ll visit soon or so you say
Thinking sadly now if I had known
Oh how I wish it were only yesterday


One other thing, you can spread your lyrics out more if you like, to get more info' in.
For instance:

Friday night sleep overs and playing in the park
Week-end Dim Sum buffet treats
Our Sunday open-house tours laughing 'till dark
Still seems like only yesterday in heart beats.

(or something else similar if you catch my drift?)

Tom N.

[daryl]

tombo1230 wrote:

daryl wrote:

tombo1230 wrote:

daryl wrote:


This is a very good start imho, You tell us what your relationship was like, obviously good and now it's not so secure. I see a lot of melancholly and maybe regret. I want more story in the middle, how has this come about. I would also like to see some more rhyming.

Tom N.

Could you elaborate on the "more rhyming"? I did attempt a rhyming pattern of ABAB (smiled/game/wild/day) (overs/buffets/tours/day) and (own/say/known/day). Any suggestions on how to improve things?

Sorry Daryl,
I slipped into AA BB when I wrote that, which I have just started in my own song. :unsure:

This section for instance, the rhyming for me is too vague, overs - tours and buffets - yesterdays. Ok if I change to an American accent
buffets and yesterdays works, just didn't in my accent. I still can't get overs and tours to work though. It's only a small point.
Friday night sleep overs
Week-end Dim Sum buffets
Our Sunday open-house tours
Still seems like only yesterday

The last verse works well.

Now you’re grown and on your own
You’ll visit soon or so you say
Thinking sadly now if I had known
Oh how I wish it were only yesterday


One other thing, you can spread your lyrics out more if you like, to get more info' in.
For instance:

Friday night sleep overs and playing in the park
Week-end Dim Sum buffet treats
Our Sunday open-house tours laughing 'till dark
Still seems like only yesterday in heart beats.

(or something else similar if you catch my drift?)

Tom N.

Yes I catch your drift.
I understand your buffets/yesterday confusion.
And I love your suggestion of "widening" the lyrics. I new my "metering" was off, I (again) just didn't know what to do about it. Thanks that should help me a lot!

[daryl]

"Only Yesterday" reworked slightly with Tom's suggestions. I think it flows a little better than my first attempt.....


I remember your sparkling blue eyes whenever you smiled
And playing again and again our Happy Day game
You saving poor Mario and Luigi from the perilous wild
And it all seems like only yesterday

I remember Friday night sleep overs and swinging in the park
And our tasty week-end Dim Sum feasts
Our Sunday open-house tours and laughing ‘til dark
And it still seems like only yesterday in a heart beat

While the sands of time go slipping by
Another day’s gone in the blink of an eye

Now you’re grown and on your own
You tell me you’ll visit soon or so you say
Thinking sadly now I should have known
Oh how I wish it were only yesterday

[michelew]

willem wrote:

For me it looks happy,,well it must be..,,I think many major chords :laugh: B) ,,your hear the main melody so I am very curious how the music would sound..maybe a wals??

Goodluck

Willem

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michelew wrote:

Hey Daryl,

You've got some nice memories in there, sad too.

Ok mine first cut is below. Sorry, I'm definitely cheating on the structure (unless you treat the first three sets of lines as a verse), but this is what's happening for me.

I've got a couple of progressions and melody lines in my head. I think the progression works OK, but it doesn't make sense to me musically, so I'm suspicious that I'm breaking too many rules. I'll see if I can record a couple of things tomorrow. Off to bed now.

Here's the lyrics.


Only Yesterday

Only yesterday my heart was blue,
I hadn't even heard of you
But now you've got me singing in the street

Only yesterday I wore a frown
Now my life's turned upside down
And I'm as playful as can be

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Only yesterday my life was small
Now I'm walking ten feet tall
The world's a wond'rous place to be

Only yesterday my life was gray
And now you've blown that all away
You've sparked a fire inside of me

Oooooh, ooooooh, oooooh-ooh-ooh
Ooooh, oooooh, oooooh, oooooooh

Now my heart's been set alight. (Mostly Same progression as the oohs)
I'm energised and full of fight
You've rocked my world with you alchemy

Only yesterday my heart was blue
And now it's full of love for you
You're one sweet gorgeous symphony

Willem - thanks. I'm glad you read it as happy. Not a waltz, but yep I have a bunch of major chords. I'm going for happy and upbeat (though maybe still a little tortured in truth ). Actually, my problem (or one of them) is that I have too many major chords (I might use at least one 5 chord instead to make it more ambiguous - or maybe just use powerchords) ).... It's currently E, G, A, B. And the notes I'm using would seem to come from a melodic Em scale (E, F#, G, A, B, C, C#, D, D#, E - though I'm currently not using a C or C#...or a D); hence the still a bit tortured. B) So I'm assuming as a minimum it needs to be E5 (as I'm using G not G# in the melody notes), G, A, B. I have so much to learn. It's ridiculous. The progression may well change to a standard I, IV, V ... plus something ... Progression by the time I've started actually playing and singing it. What's the chance it will end up being a standard I, IV, V, vi? probably preeeeettty high.

Daryl - thanks. I see what you mean about the order of the last two sections. I was trying to round it off by repeating part of the first verse. I was also trying to stick to your structure criteria. The second last section was intended to sound a little different and be the B. I agree with Tom that your song could use more rhyming. However, since I feel I over use rhyming, I was waiting to hear what yours sounded like, assuming you're going to try to put music to it.

Dermot - thanks!

Tom - thanks for your suggests. I was trying to keep this upbeat and light. I'm WAY to prone to writing sad and deep and meaningful (well miserable) lyrics to go any further into the back story. I figured "grey", "small", "frown" and "blue" covered it. At this point I'm really just trying to get the words and a feeling flowing and to work out how to develop a starting place for the melody I'm hearing.

The words are likely to change as I try to sing them. That's what I tend to find. I'm going with the "write a 100 bad songs and maybe you'll write some good ones" theory. I'll keep your suggestions in mind though as I work on this. It's really just a song about how you can feel shitty one minute and then fall head over heels for someone the next and be totally transformed. It's as simple as that. Since many of the really cool song don't have a huge storyline in them (she loves you ya, ya, ya ) I'm not too worried about it's lack of depth. But, I'll look for places where I might make it more meaningful and more resonating. Thanks.

Thanks guys. Let's see what you have up your sleeves hey!?!

Shel

[thereshopeyet]

Only Yesterday

Verse 1
What have we learn't
From the beginning of time
And the big bang
There's nothin' clever to killing.

Chorus 1
If only yesterday
Were really history
There'd be no thin or fat man
And Little Boy'd have no big brothers

Verse 2
No need for no regrets
Frankly the oceans of time
Would be still as peace.
If only yesterday were history
And wasn't today.

Chorus 2
If only yesterday
The crown of thorns didn't exist
Round Robin wouldn't be bleeding
While singing his song
Of the man in pain.

Bridge
Little Round Robin
Singing his song
Bleeding his heart out
Singing of the betrayed man in pain.

Verse 3
What have we learn't
From the beginning of time
And big bang of course,
There's no value to killing.

Chorus 3
There'd be no thin of fat man
Little Boy'd have no big brothers
While the sun'd shine
Over Manhattan

Outro
If only yesterday were more forgiving
If only yesterday were more forgiving
If only yesterday were more forgiving

[tombo1230]

daryl wrote:

"Only Yesterday" reworked slightly with Tom's suggestions. I think it flows a little better than my first attempt.....


I remember your sparkling blue eyes whenever you smiled
And playing again and again our Happy Day game
You saving poor Mario and Luigi from the perilous wild
And it all seems like only yesterday

I remember Friday night sleep overs and swinging in the park
And our tasty week-end Dim Sum feasts
Our Sunday open-house tours and laughing ‘til dark
And it still seems like only yesterday in a heart beat

While the sands of time go slipping by
Another day’s gone in the blink of an eye

Now you’re grown and on your own
You tell me you’ll visit soon or so you say
Thinking sadly now I should have known
Oh how I wish it were only yesterday

That's much better Daryl! I really like this! Ok so you have a poem now, the real test is to come up with some music and re-shape the words if need be, to fit your tempo and expression and make a song. I like that you have added extra meaning on the third line but be careful that it doesn't come out of the blue. To help a little you could support line 3 by adding something on line 4, like for instance, 'brothers in arms' it all seems like only yesterdays fame and it rhymes better. I am not suggesting you use this if you have thoughts on something better, this is just off the top of my head, but you can see how it adds more intrigue. The more you add like this the more it can add to your story, but it can have a knock on effect if you have to elaborate further on. Hope this helps.

Tom N.

[tombo1230]

michelew wrote:

willem wrote:

For me it looks happy,,well it must be..,,I think many major chords :laugh: B) ,,your hear the main melody so I am very curious how the music would sound..maybe a wals??

Goodluck

Willem

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

michelew wrote:

Tom - thanks for your suggests. I was trying to keep this upbeat and light. I'm WAY to prone to writing sad and deep and meaningful (well miserable) lyrics to go any further into the back story. I figured "grey", "small", "frown" and "blue" covered it. At this point I'm really just trying to get the words and a feeling flowing and to work out how to develop a starting place for the melody I'm hearing.

The words are likely to change as I try to sing them. That's what I tend to find. I'm going with the "write a 100 bad songs and maybe you'll write some good ones" theory. I'll keep your suggestions in mind though as I work on this. It's really just a song about how you can feel shitty one minute and then fall head over heels for someone the next and be totally transformed. It's as simple as that. Since many of the really cool song don't have a huge storyline in them (she loves you ya, ya, ya ) I'm not too worried about it's lack of depth. But, I'll look for places where I might make it more meaningful and more resonating. Thanks.

Thanks guys. Let's see what you have up your sleeves hey!?!

Shel

I had the same thought as you when I was suggesting more depth. The very same Beatles song came into my head as an opposing thought.
Lots of pop tunes are repetitive and lacking in substance but are catchy.

Your explanation of your transformation is what I got from your song, so that was a success on your part.
I just wanted to know why? and how? Maybe it doesn't matter.

Tom N.

[michelew]

Hey Tom,

I've been roughing out a sketch of the music this afternoon. Instead of happy.... Substitute quite tortured. but hey it's a beginning and you'll get to hear the melody in my head. I've changed the words a bit and added a last line. It's only about 1:30 minutes long. So if I were to take it further, ... which I probably won't unless someone really wants to collaborate on the music, I could expand out the story. I think the oohs need to be replaced with a chorus too. I'm letting that cook. So there's space in there for more who, what, where. But, I think leaving space open for people to use their imagination works too.

See what you think when I get it up. It might be tonight (Sydney time) it might be tomorrow.

How do we post audio only?

M

[willem]

Common Dermot,,with your knowledge of music theory you must come up with some music,,try Am..not that I can..!!

I think many dynamics in the melody(soft-hard-cresendos-)etc,,would you strum it or fingerpick?

Willem



thereshopeyet wrote:

Daryl and Michelle

Here's my attempt !
I have no idea how you'd put music to it though !

Dermot

Only Yesterday

Verse 1
What have we learn't
From the beginning of time
And the big bang
There's nothin' clever to killing.

Chorus 1
If only yesterday
Were really history
There'd be no thin or fat man
And Little Boy'd have no big brothers

Verse 2
No need for no regrets
Frankly the oceans of time
Would be still as peace.
If only yesterday were history
And wasn't today.

Chorus 2
If only yesterday
The crown of thorns didn't exist
Round Robin wouldn't be bleeding
While singing his song
Of the man in pain.

Bridge
Little Round Robin
Singing his song
Bleeding his heart out
Singing of the betrayed man in pain.

Verse 3
What have we learn't
From the beginning of time
And big bang of course,
There's no value to killing.

Chorus 3
There'd be no thin of fat man
Little Boy'd have no big brothers
While the sun'd shine
Over Manhattan

Outro
If only yesterday were more forgiving
If only yesterday were more forgiving
If only yesterday were more forgiving

[tombo1230]

michelew wrote:

Hey Tom,

I've been roughing out a sketch of the music this afternoon. Instead of happy.... Substitute quite tortured. but hey it's a beginning and you'll get to hear the melody in my head. I've changed the words a bit and added a last line. It's only about 1:30 minutes long. So if I were to take it further, ... which I probably won't unless someone really wants to collaborate on the music, I could expand out the story. I think the oohs need to be replaced with a chorus too. I'm letting that cook. So there's space in there for more who, what, where. But, I think leaving space open for people to use their imagination works too.

See what you think when I get it up. It might be tonight (Sydney time) it might be tomorrow.

How do we post audio only?

M

Sounds like you've been busy Michele. 'Tortured,' interesting! :ohmy:

You could post your audio with a slate/colour wash, or id board that is, then it would upload as a video???
Some people have used a site that they had joined free to upload their audio, can't recall what it's called though, maybe Daryl would know.

I couldn't get inspired to write anything yesterday evening, so I watched a Bee Gees concert instead, 'One Night Only,' Now those guys could write songs! I have a first draft for my poem now, actually that was a slip of the tongue calling it a poem, but is in fact correct. I don't write lyrics first, normally I would do music and words together, I just find it easier, so this is weird, because at this stage I am not sure if it's a song. :huh: :ohmy: :dry: Time will tell. Posting soon.

Tom N.